Yeah. I'm sad. Please don't take this as some sort of 'cry for help' or anything, but I need to clear my head of some things. I've been depressed, a lot lately. I feel inadequate in every way. School, myself, everything.
I sit in my art classes and I look around and I think, 'what the hell am i doing here, I don't belong here, I'm not even in the same LEAGUE as some of these people'. I get so scared because I don't think I improve and I'm not where I'd like to be. It would be a hell of a lot different if I didn't work my ass off to try to be better, but I really work hard for it, and I don't feel like anything ever comes of it. I get scared because I have no clue what Im going to be doing after school. What more can happen with me in two years? Can two years turn me into a person who fits in? People who don't go here, like Mike and all, say to me, wow you're so good, and all that when I show them my stuff. But they don't know. They don't know what the student's artwork looks like. They don't know what the people in my classroom are capable of and how I'm falling into the lower percentile. It sucks. It totally sucks.
And number two........I hate how I look. It's always been this way. It just keeps escalating. And it pisses me off how I feel like I have to hide it and not say anything, because I don't want to hear , "Stop looking for attention" or "Stop fishing for compliments." That's not it at all. No matter what someone says to me, I'm still going to feel this way. I've always felt like this and I'm going to for a long long time, regardless if I have people patting me on the back. I just feel worse lately with all the crap that's been going on. I have this deformed back shit, thats a real up-er. And I'm always exhausted and tired by the time I'm not doing school work. I really don't eat that much when I'm home or at school. Ask around, I live on toast and cereal here. I'm really just screwed no matter what I do. Even if I lost 50 pounds, my shoulders and my hips would still be out to Guam. I may be heavy now, but my hip bones and shoulder blades still stick out....so I'm screwed and stuck with what I got. I would be 50 pounds lighter, but just alot more pointy...haha I guess that's funny in a sick kinda way.....
Ok, if you actually took the time to sit and read through my head, I thank you. As I said, this is not a cry for help or attention, just an attempt to get some sleep tonight because my head is clear of one less thing I need to dwell on. Current Mood: gloomy